he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
