I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
