My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
