Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
