4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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