i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
