we have pet lesbian snakes
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
