This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
