I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
