I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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