before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
