I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
