I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
