Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
