Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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