I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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