there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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