Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
