Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
