I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
