I am puke
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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