I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
