you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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