Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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