I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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