When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
