wrigley field is MILF paradise
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My penis needs a shock collar
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
