I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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