how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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