I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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