I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
