She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
