I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i out mim tonsoeep
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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