I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
