i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
