I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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