im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My penis needs a shock collar
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
