I just saw a hot homeless man
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
dude i'm inner monologue high
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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