First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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