Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
