fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
