Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
