I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
