Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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