connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
