as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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