A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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