Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
