moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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