If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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