It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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