a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
