How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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