I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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