I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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