So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
