everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
