i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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