Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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