I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
